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The Poison of Comparison

The Importance of Knowing Our Core Values, Beliefs, and Goals

Written by Hannah Chism

August 11, 2020

 

THE POISON OF COMPARISON

I was having a discussion the other day with a family member about the poison of comparison. Our culture largely operates driven by comparison and competition. While this is essential for the capitalistic economy of the United States, how does this impact each of us? It often creates anxiety, low self-esteem, poor work/life balance, mistrust, and isolation.

We are constantly bombarded by messages of ‘what’s best.’ These messages come via social media, especially Facebook, advertisements, grocery stores, work, conversations, and so on. It is difficult to escape or ignore opinions of ‘what’s best.’ But who really decides ‘what’s best?’ Who has the authority in our personal lives to dictate what is best for each of our unique life circumstances? The reality is that you are the only person who can decide what is best for your unique life circumstances, personality, background, and so forth. While for some, the best decision may be sending their kids to school, for others, it may be best to homeschool. The reality is there is no absolute right or wrong way to live or do things (unless morality is brought into the conversation…). We make decisions in the moment based on the resources and information available to us.

 WHAT’S BEST?

What would life look like if we chose what is best for each of us individually (or collectively, depending on your cultural orientation) with each decision we make? If we were able to silence the opinions of others and the ‘but so and so is doing this…?’ If we were able to step away from the mentality of ‘keeping up with the Jones’?’ What would happen to our culture if we opened our minds to being more accepting to differences of opinions and lifestyles? This season of life, between the pandemic of COVID-19 and social justice movements, would likely be much lighter if we could each respect what others are doing. Now, to respect others, does not mean you have to agree with their choices. However, it does require loosening the reigns of judgment and moving towards acceptance of differences. Imagine how much stronger our culture would be if we empowered each other by esteeming one another in spite of disagreeing others’ choices? What would it look like to stand together in spite of a difference of opinion?

THE POISON OF COMPARISON AND THE EROSION OF SELF

What do we lose when we compare? A sense of individuality. A sense of our unique selves. Compromising our core beliefs. Inauthenticity. The feeling of being stifled. A disconnected self. Inauthentic relationships. Discontentment and dissatisfaction. A sense of being lost and confused. The erosion of self. Time. Self-confidence. Most distinctly, comparison poisons and erodes our sense of self. Meaning, we lose our unique identities, purposes, goals, values, and motivations. We can very easily get caught up in the rat race of life, causing us to become disillusioned and disoriented. We slip into following what others are doing or trying to compete with others’ agendas or accomplishments. We lose sight of our core values, beliefs, and goals.

THE IMPORTANCE OF GAINING CONFIDENCE IN YOUR DECISIONS
KNOWING YOUR CORE VALUES, BELIEFS, GOALS, AND IDENTITY

It is critical that we each gain confidence in our personal decisions. If not, we sacrifice what is ultimately best for ourselves/families. We also can become bitter and hardened. So, how to block out the noise of others’ opinions and choices? How do we separate what’s best for others from what is essential for us? This is where knowing your core values, beliefs, goals, and identity comes into play.

AWARENESS AND MOTIVATIONS

Being aware of what makes you tick and how your unique self/family operates best is the key here. Abiding in what you know and what feels absolutely true and congruent with your soul. Being aware of the language you are using in making decisions. Is there a “should” in there? Sometimes obligation is important because it is not all about us. However, how often is this language creeping in? Also, being aware of your motivations in decisions. Is your motivation for increased status? Is it so you are not the only ones who did not attend the party? Again, go back to your core values and beliefs.

AUTHENTICITY IS CONTAGIOUS

Be honest with yourself of what truly feels congruent for you and your family. Sometimes this means sacrificing status or pride or something else. However, will you be able to rest better at night knowing you chose what was authentic to your true self? Will you be a happier person because of it? It offers more breathing room and likely adds more years onto your life (not scientifically proven!).  If we are able to walk in this confidence, it can be contagious. It extends the freedom others to also choose what is best for their family.

WAYS TO AVOID THE POISON OF COMPARISON

What is driving your comparison with others?

  • Is it social media?
  • Is it magazines?
  • Is it comparing your body image to others?
  • Is it weighing yourself constantly? Comparison can occur not only in the company of others, but can also be found in comparing oneself to a disillusioned/idealistic self… E.g.: “If only I weighed - - -, then I would be content.” When the reality is you have never been that weight or it was in your teenage years.
  • Is it unhealthy conversations with your friends? Sometimes in the company of friends or family there are certain topics that trigger insecurities in us.
  • Is it comparing your personality with that of another? If only I were funny like them… Reflect on what your strengths may be in the context of relationships. You may not be the funniest person, but are you thoughtful?
  • Is it comparing the nature of your relationship with one of your parents to how your siblings interact with that same parent? Where you desire the kind of connection they appear to have yet your personality does not afford such connection? A perspective check may be necessary to realize the reality of the dynamics occurring in your relationships. This will likely need to be followed by an attitude shift in how you respond to others.

There are several layers of comparison and surprising ways it can creep into our lives and steal our joy, seemingly without our awareness. Are there areas in your life that you can avoid in order to gain confidence in your sense of self? Bottom line, it is important to take an inventory of the sources in your life that are causing negative beliefs about your sense of self and driving incongruent choices in your life.

IS THERE SUCH A THING AS HEALTHY COMPARISON?

Now, as I mentioned previously, our economy is driven by comparison and competition. Without it, our country would not be as economically viable as it presently is. Thus, our workplaces are often driven by performance and production; which frequently involves comparison and competition. We innately seek to survive, and part of survival is contingent on our skills, abilities, knowledge, and so forth. Thus, drive, work ethic, and striving for excellence are essential for success in the workplace. However, there is a fine line between striving for excellence and compromising our core beliefs, values, and goals. Thus, be cognizant of what is fueling your soul versus poisoning your sense of self.

Be realistic about your gifts and personality, rather than assigning someone else’s gifts and personality to your life. The reality is you have been gifted with a unique set of gifts, skills, and knowledge. This requires you to stay within your lane of achievable and attainable goals based on who you truly are. Thus, strive, but strive within realistic goals; otherwise, you will become exhausted by never reaching an idealistic set of goals.

CHOOSING WHAT’S BEST FOR YOU PERSONALLY CAN SOMETIMES FEEL LONELY

A word of caution: choosing what’s best for you personally can sometimes feel lonely. Sometimes when we deter from the norm, it can feel isolating.

Thus, it is important to ask yourself what truly feels congruent? Then, standing by that conviction. It is also important to distinguish between compromise and congruence. There may be times we compromise for the sake of others because we love them. However, if our choices are incongruent with our core beliefs, then the sacrifice may be too great.

This also highlights the importance of surrounding yourself with relationships that are uplifting and supportive of your choices. Does your support system empower and encourage you to live your best and most wholehearted life? A necessary shift in minimizing the poison of comparison from your life may be developing a stronger community who encourages the best kind of growth in you.

EITHER YOU QUESTION YOURSELF OR OTHERS QUESTION YOU

Another word of caution: making congruent choices can result in you questioning yourself or others questioning you. Neither is necessarily a bad thing, as we each need an accountability system. However, we make decisions in the moment based on the resources and information available to us. Sometimes we must shake off the anxiety, shame, or million “what if’s?” that come after the decision. Again, this is where the importance of knowing your core values, beliefs, and goals becomes crucial – it serves as part of your accountability system of congruent living. Be open to the feedback of others, but do not let it rule how you conduct your life. Sometimes those other voices must be silenced in order for you to live wholeheartedly.

FREEDOM
  • Comparison poisons and erodes our sense of self
  • If we lose sight of our core values, beliefs, and goals we can become disillusioned and disoriented.
  • Take an inventory of the sources in your life that are causing negative beliefs about your sense of self and driving incongruent choices in your life.
  • We make decisions in the moment based on the resources and information available to us.
  • You are the only person who can decide what is best for your unique life circumstances, personality, background, and so forth.

 

Thank you for reading this lengthy article! Questions or comments? I would love to hear from you! Feel free to Contact me at (719) 204-1664 or [email protected]. Hannah Chism, MA, UP, NCC, PHR is a mental health therapist and career coach based in Colorado Springs, CO and offers free consultations and telehealth/virtual services.

Life Transitions

The harsh and hopeful reality is that life works in seasons. We do not remain in the exact same situation our entire lives – relationships change, jobs change, we change, and so on. We are constantly being asked to adapt to life’s changing circumstances. If we fight to adapt, we end up lost, discombobulated, and distraught. In the midst of adapting, we experience anxiety, confusion, insecurity, and grief. In order to accept life’s changes, we must grieve the lost season. What I mean by this is that we cannot move ‘forward’ or adjust until we have grieved what the previous season has offered us.

Grieving Positive Changes

“There is a time for everything and a season for every activity… a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance… a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace” (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8; NIV).

ADAPTING TO NEW SEASONS REQUIRES GRIEF

The harsh and hopeful reality is that life works in seasons. We do not remain in the exact same situation our entire lives – relationships change, jobs change, we change, and so on. We are constantly being asked to adapt to life’s changing circumstances. If we fight to adapt, we end up lost, discombobulated, and distraught. In the midst of adapting, we experience anxiety, confusion, insecurity, and grief. In order to accept life’s changes, we must grieve the lost season. What I mean by this is that we cannot move ‘forward’ or adjust until we have grieved what the previous season has offered us. Yes, this even applies to very positive life changes, such as, marriage, birth of a new child, retirement, and so on.

THE WHOLE GAMUT

We lose loved ones, our friendships grow apart, we lose jobs, we get married, we have children, and so on. The times we are moving from richness to richness require grieving. And obviously, as we transition from richness to poorer, grief is inevitable. This also means moving from poorer to richer involves grief. This may seem contradicting and confusing, but there are losses we experience as we move between seasons.

Let’s start with a few tangible examples. For instance, when one has gone from being single the first thirty years of life to married, there is a loss of independence that occurs. This loss of independence needs to be grieved in order to embrace the companionship the marriage offers. Within this, a change of identity and interests may also occur. Thus, the individual needs to also accept who they are becoming and the activities they partake in that also may come to define them. Another example occurs with adoption. If due to infertility, it requires one grieving the losses associated with being unable to have a child via natural means. This could also mean grieving lost dreams and expectations. In order for one to fully embrace the adopted child, they must go through the process of grieving what their hopes had been in order to rejoice and celebrate in what could be with their adopted child. Another example is when one goes from being married to divorced. This may bring a whole host of emotions, including relief, loneliness, sadness, joy, freedom, and so on. One will likely grieve the loss of companionship, no matter how dysfunctional it may have been. One will likely also experience identity changes, where they may have been more submissive and flexible, but become more rigid and independent. All changes leave room for grief in some form or fashion, and many have space for joy.

SO HOW DOES ONE ‘GRIEVE’ A LOST SEASON?

One may grieve these losses through a variety of forms, depending on what works best for the individual. Some individuals are verbal processors and need to share their experience with a friend over coffee. While other individuals are internal processors and need to journal about their experience and feelings. Yet others, are kinesthetic processors and need movement in order to process their emotions, either via running, walking, biking or some other active medium. Regardless, one needs permission to experience the full range of emotions attached to the loss of one season and movement into the next. This requires reflecting on both the benefits and drawbacks of what the previous season afforded, then looking at what the next season affords. This honest reflection requires humility, courage, and self-awareness. It is difficult to hold the dichotomous feelings of change, albeit happy and sad, as they appear to contradict one another. However, when one allows themselves the opportunity to experience the full range of their emotions attached to their season, liberation, rest, and peace follow. The process one goes through within and outside of a season is what truly gives life meaning and purpose. If we do not allow ourselves to be transformed through life’s seasons then we risk becoming stagnant, bitter, and lost. Being transformed requires openness, vulnerability, and flexibility. As we transition into each new season, we change as people. We are shaped by our response to life’s ever-changing circumstances.

INVITE OTHERS INTO YOUR PROCESS

Often times, in the midst of changing circumstances, we isolate ourselves from others or internalize our feelings because they feel messy or invalid. However, we are not meant to transition alone. Considering we experience life changes from birth until death, adversity in the midst of change is a universal experience. While each person’s response to such changes may vary, we can find common ground in understanding change as difficult and muddled. Even though you may struggle to articulate your feelings while in the midst of change, does not mean you cannot share and invite others into your experience. However, be selective about the people you choose to share the inmost spaces of your heart with. Identify those ‘safe’ people in your life, who accept you exactly as you are and validate your feelings. If you cannot locate ‘those’ people, then grow your support system by getting more involved in your local community and being more intentional about developing healthy relationships. Life is tough and we are not meant to walk this journey alone.

BEFUDDLEMENT & BEWILDERMENT ARE ACCEPTABLE

Thus, you have permission to be bewildered in the process of transition. Within this, you are never too befuddled for others to handle. You will be more incomprehensible and less effective in your life if you do not share with others. You will be a much more refined person if you allow others into your process and allow yourself to be changed in response to life’s circumstances, as opposed to fighting them. Therefore, freedom to be raw and real. Your process matters – regardless of how invalid and messy it may feel. Grief enables us to embrace the joys and hardships of life. Grief creates space in our hearts to love and live more fully. We cannot fully accept the richness of life without also accepting the hardships. You have permission to grieve both the good and bad of life. Allow space to grow. Give yourself permission to authentically experience your emotions, even if rejoicing feels inappropriate or grief feels invalid. Be you. You will be far freer by doing so.

 

Written by Hannah Chism

Feel free to reach out to me if you would like to discuss this topic further or to schedule a free consultation: [email protected] or (719) 204-1664.